Survival requires your belief in something bigger than you...

When I was little, I made it a practice to ask the earth questions about what it wanted out of me… I would stare at cracks in the sidewalk or into murky mud puddles and ask “why…” The Earth always responded, “To make you ready.” I would then look up to the sky and ask it for the tools necessary to do the job. 

In response, the universe gave me the ability to witness brutality, it allowed me to be an innocent victim, it allowed me to fall down many, many times and gave me the strength to get up many, many times… it gave me the Toilet Paper People and other scrappy friends along the way… 

it gave me the confidence to weather a broken path every single day with a belief that is unflappable and TODAY after years of surviving volatile relationships that started when I was an infant and led to years of chosen homelessness and sacrifices not too many would make or who have labeled as stupid… 

I hear the peanut gallery every single day snickering, “you’re a pretty girl, why don’t you just get married…. you are choosing this suffering...” -- damn straight I am because this relationship I have with this thing that is bigger than I am is bigger than any relationship I will ever have with any one human. I am choosing what something bigger than me wants for me because one day, I might save your life.

This morning, I woke up to a car that barely makes it every time I have to go anywhere. I eat one meal a day, pretending that I’m not hungry... but MAN AM I HUNGRY to do what the Earth has asked out of me for all these years… but on days like this, I want to have the companionship of a dog. I miss the 'normal' things that other people take solace in, like houses and video games. I wonder how much more of this falling down I need to do before I stop listening to the cold hard ground. On days like today, I surrender to the lake for an hour and listen to it impatiently. I beg, “I keep doing everything you ask of me and I am scared. I’m really, really scared”… I then look up to the sky and cry, “I CAN’T DO THIS ALL BY MYSELF…” Its response was deafening, “of course you can’t” – and delivered (in spades)… TODAY.