The Sticky Issue of Forgiveness

There are so many really wonderful people who email me about forgiveness. While some of these well-meaning people provide Biblical references as support, others are more general in their encouragement of my offering forgiveness to my adopted mother for the crimes she committed against me when I was little.

Generally speaking, people who feel that I should offer forgiveness, argue that my act of forgiveness will set the captive free and that I will eventually realize that the captive is really me.

 

MY RESPONSE TO THOSE WHO ARGUE THAT

IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO OFFER FORGIVENESS:

 



I think it is super important to be careful when talking about the issue of Forgiveness.  Child abuse survivors need to love themselves enough to feel that they have a choice in what they do and how they feel. It has been my experience that the people who tell me that I need to forgive are the same people who warn us about the risks of being angry. Sometimes anger is a necessary tool for growth and improvement. Anger gets us moving and focused on what is really important to us. Without anger, we have varying degrees of delusion about familial roles that have well outworn their expiration dates. I believe that anger is a necessary component in creating a climate of shame surrounding abuse incidents. This climate of shame is something that abuse survivors often shoulder on behalf of their abusive parents. To continually push the forgiveness responsibility on victims, is unintentionally re-victimizing those who should, for once in their lives, have immunity. By providing forgiveness to child abusers who have not asked for it, we are unknowingly giving them the thumbs-up to re-offend.

 

In many cases, encouraging a child abuse survivor to re-engage with the abusive parent can be extremely dangerous. Remember that each child abuse survivor has their own story that cannot be over-generalized or put into a Disneyland equation of hope and promise. While not an easy topic to discuss, I will often counter those who think I should forgive her with the following statement, "the woman who raped me, the woman who laughed at my private parts and forever damaged my ability to love myself is entitled to forgiveness, why?" After a long pause, I will continue, "in all of these years, she has not apologized once for her life taking actions. Who is on her front doorstep telling HER that she needs to atone?" 

 

It is my heartfelt belief that everyone is entitled to forgiveness if they ask for it.  It is not my responsibility to forgive those who haven't asked for it. The doling out of forgiveness only perpetuates the problem and allows abusers to think that they don't have to do a thing.

 

Well, after the damage child abusers have waged against our most innocent people, I would say that their asking for OUR forgiveness is the least that they can do.

cherry tigris
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toilet paper people
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